Sunday, May 31

Ode to Two Fathers


May 31, 2020:

I first met Denis in 1992, when a Shick/Dermer family reunion led me and my wonderful wife of the time from Ohio to Colorado.  Dawn and I arrived in grand fashion, large suitcase stacked and bounded atop the back of the minuscule trunk of a race red Mazda Miata adding height and weight to the tiny convertible.  Dawn, of the golden locks and I with the abundance of natural curls forming a mullet that was the envy of every 90's hair-band aficionado, made our grand arrival.  My parents were overjoyed to see us because we were the ultimate twofer.  I was their son, and Dawn was just about the nicest person on God's earth.  My parents loved her with a love reserved for few others than their children.

As Dawn and I were talking to my parents, a stately man, tall, slender and erect of posture approached us bearing the gift of a warm smile.  Beside him, was my wonderful aunt, Marlene, whom I had not seen for years.  I had heard talk that Marlene had found a love interest after many years a widow, and I was happy for her.  She was a huge part of my upbringing as a child, bringing her wonderful family for occasions like Thanksgiving, Christmas and frequent fun in the summer.

On a sunny Colorado afternoon, Marlene seemed so happy.

Denis was a unique soul.  Statuesque with a thin face topped by thick brown and silver curls, his height was equaled only by his kindness and profound intellect.  On meeting us, Denis poured forth compliments like wine on a Friday evening, while mixing in Irish poetry and prose.  This is a man who had doctorates in both theology and philosophy.  Without being pretentious, one knew that there was an air of greatness about him.  In contrast, my father was an older version of my wife.  He was charming, made friends faster than children (which was no small feat) and was a renaissance man before the term came to mean what it does today.  He was doing as much housework and child rearing as my mom from my earliest memory.

At the age of 30, I was smitten by their bifurcated but equally magnetic personalities.

As so often happens in life, my wife and I went back to Ohio, Marlene and Denis returned to Mission Viejo, and we lost touch.

Even after Dawn and I moved to Arizona, our nascent friendship did not reignite.  It needed a flame. That would come after we divorced.

In 2000, my parents were on their near-annual sojourn to the Southwest.  On this trip, they extended an invitation for me to ride with them to California, to see my cousins and family.  It was a turning point in my life.

We spent most of our time in Mission Viejo, where the talk was rich and the walks with my dad and Denis so perfect they felt spiritual.  Thus began a friendship so powerful that at some point Denis, Marlene and I agreed that I was their long-lost-son from Arizona.  From 2001, until Marlene's passing in 2011, I can only recall three instances during which I didn't visit on both my fall and spring breaks.

So, it worked out that I visited my parents on Christmas and over summer and my adopted parents over my two school breaks.

In California, the conversation was heavily left-leaning politics, the TV always on MSNBC.  Mixed in was a good deal of family and Denis's favorite: the LA Lakers.   And there were always our long walks.

Each visit was balm to my soul, and along that path I fell in love with Marlene and Denis the way that any child would.

But time marches on.  My father passed away 20 months ago.  Denis this week.  And I don't know how to fill the void that my fathers have left with their departure.  They meant so much to me.  They were my backbone.  They were my role models.  They were who I aspire to be.

So, on this Sunday, I send a prayer to the heavens that Denis, Marlene and dad are enjoying their time together, awaiting my mother and family.


Bless you for all you have given me, my fathers.  I love you!


Randee Dermer



Saturday, February 2

Letters from Cuba

At the end of a recent summer, I decided that I was not quite through with adventuring.  So, after some thought (not very much, I reluctantly admit), I decided to visit Cuba on a whim and a shoestring budget.  Below, are a few text interchanges between me and my girlfriend at the time.  To provide anonymity, I have changed her name.

In Cuba, public Internet access is limited to one or a few locales per town (definitely one) or city (somewhere greater than one, but not enough), via the Etecsa Network, which is a new-age synonym for the communist national dial-up system.  It might be in a fancy hotel, where you might need to pay the nice concierge, in his sweat-stained dress suit and shiny black shoes, a handsome Cuban peso or three to get in said hotel and on onto said Etecsa Network.  It might be in town center in the little village you're staying at, a place where if you move two feet to the left or right, the signal disappears.  At any rate, it is not an optimal situation when you are used to being fully connected to the world and your partner.   

With Etecsa, you first need to wait in line to purchase a card that will give you time on the Web.  And those lines can be like the cattle chutes that feed people into the New York subway system.  Cuba is either hot or sweltering, so the queue is redolent of ode de body odor (not my preferred cologne).  To their credit, the people are generally nice, although what deals are made in those Etecsa shops I cannot say, but it's a communist system, so some people get preferential treatment.  

But we all sweat the same - copiously!


Arrival


Ok, I have made it through the gauntlet.

Wow.  I'm so glad to hear from you.
I was worried๐Ÿ’–

Crazy night๐Ÿ˜Ž

I arrived at about 11

Tried to find a good deal for taxi and room!

Best deal $45 for both!

I get in the taxi

And two other guys jump in the back, 
Cubanos not tourists

๐Ÿ˜ณ

I did not know the airport was so far 
from Havana

Therefore, I thought I might be
getting "taken for a nice ride!"

Right!

I can't download WhatsApp.  The 
download speed is too slow in 
this town๐Ÿ˜ฎ

I have it...

๐Ÿ‘Œ.  Thank you for checking 
in... you crazy Dermer...๐Ÿ’–

I get to Havana, still alive, 
and go to my room!

Sorry, no room available ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

๐Ÿ™…

So he rings the door of the next ๐Ÿก

Then the next

Then the next





























And finally on the fourth, 
an older couple answer

Holy Hell.

I talk to them half the night in 
my broken Spanish๐Ÿ˜

And we become fast friends

You so cray cray.
















At eight in the morn, I have a 
horrible dream of knocking on
my bedroom door

But it is not a dream.  Damn 
you reality, I was sleeping๐Ÿ’ค

Cecilia tells me that I must get
up because I have only six days 
in Cuba

Cecilia ๐Ÿ’—  

I do not have time to get to the bus in time.

So Cecilia begins to mainline me "coffee"
more viscous than motor oil.

It's actually espresso

Mind you, I have not eaten since four
yesterday and I have not had any ๐Ÿ’ง

Oh boy, babe...

Water from the bottle in third-world
countries✅

✅✅
And I will not get my first taste of water
until an hour ago (noon)

The food.  Same story๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—

๐Ÿ˜ฌ

Prior to all this, Cecilia walks me to the bus 
station, across the street, so I can get to 
Viaรฑales๐Ÿ˜‰.  She seems to know everyone, and
gets in me in the front of the line using her
respected status ... or some kind of magic




The bus is again full, so I talk to the Danish couple 
and ask if they want to take a taxi.  Yes!

Look at  you ๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’‹

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘Š

So we make it to Viรฑales, location of last two pics

And that's where I am, babe๐Ÿ’—

Some kind of adventure, babe๐Ÿ’•

Third-world countries move at a snail's pace.
If you accept it, there's a nice little zen to
slowing down.

I wait at the Internet Cafe for 20 minutes
to buy a card that gives me an hour of Internet.

Then go to eat and text you

๐Ÿ’‹

But the place I am eating at is too far 
from town center to get Internet๐Ÿ˜ข

So I eat (two bowls of soup; I need the water)
and have a bottled water!

๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ‘Œ


I'm running out of time.  Soon I will leave the 
Square and be locked off the Internet ๐Ÿ˜ข

Good night, babe ๐ŸŒ™ 

I Love You.  Please be safe๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ˜Ž


The Racket/Her Smugness


Can I tell you a story?

I  will take that as an unqualified yes!

Yes!!

So the racket - although not truly a racket - here  is that the 
bus/taxi driver gives you a ride to the town you choose.

But therein comes the hitch ๐Ÿ˜œ

๐Ÿ˜ฌ

Every taxi driver has a best friend in every town, and 
as you get close to town the driver says,

I will you show you my friend's home; you will like
it!   And it's cheap๐Ÿค”

Sure.....

So, you have to look at the damn 
house - it's part of the deal.

And the houses are nice, if a little expensive๐Ÿ˜Ž

Since the Danish couple took a room, I
decided...suuuurrrrrrrrrrrre?!

Not really sure at all!

Oh no.....

And the owner - well the wife half - has been
 pushing for tomorrow night since we arrived.

๐Ÿค”

Because she wants my ๐Ÿ’ฐ

Right....

I continue to say, "Uhm, I'm still considering."

Finally, Mom has had enough of this Yankee Ahole.

And.....

So mom says, "Lo siento mucho, but the room is
not available for tomorrow!"๐Ÿ˜Ž

๐Ÿ™…๐Ÿ™…

She thinks she has me in a pinch because
she knows that I have the horse๐ŸŽ thing 
tomorrow and no place to place my luggage!๐Ÿ˜ฌ

You smart though, Derms....

I sit on the roof for awhile, considering my options๐Ÿ˜Ž

๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ‘Œ

And Mom is fucking gloating!

Sure๐Ÿ˜

Yet pensive.  "Why is this guy so calm?" is 
literally etched upon her face.

The Derms goes for a walk.

Cool as a ๐Ÿฅ’ you are, Lover ๐Ÿ’œ

And on said walk, the Derms begins
to ask the locals if they have a room
available.  Everyone in the area does.

I have already cased the town ๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ’—

You're smooth ๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž

And hot ๐Ÿ’ฅ AF

It takes me ten minutes to find
a nece place, $5 cheaper, and the
old lady is soooo nice!

So completely unlike my smug AF current
"landlord!"

The bonus - and you'll love this.

๐Ÿ˜ผ←←←←←  Smug

It's the Princess ๐Ÿ‘ธRoom!

The whole room is shades of pink,
including the shades!

Oh baby.  ๐Ÿ‘ธ๐ŸŒˆ

And the covers

And the pillowcases

Sounds...uhm, kinda gay 

I was thinking  the whole time she's showing
the room, "I can't wait to send pics to you!"

๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ

















Her Smugness does have a nice rooftop eating /reading
area.  But not worth the price of admission.

Trying to pull one over on the gringo

Above: Site of reading a book as Her Smugness thought,
"What is the fucking gringo fucking doing?'

Sleep with one ๐Ÿ‘ open, babe....๐Ÿ˜‘

The daughter hates me, too!

Oh Christ

But father I am nice to because his is not smug
or a b-rate ahole ๐Ÿ™‚

He is stuck in the middle, unfortunately.

I wouldn't trust.... he surely follows his smug
AF wife's lead...

You know.... happy wife....

Yes, I absolutely agree with the advice ๐Ÿ‘

I'm at four percent.  As you can see ๐Ÿ”ฅ

๐Ÿ‘ธ๐ŸŒˆ๐Ÿ™…
No Little Princess shit, babe ๐Ÿฆ‰

Ok, it's about time to say good night ๐Ÿ’ค๐ŸŒ™๐Ÿ’œ

Good night, babe๐Ÿ’—


๐Ÿ˜˜

I napped in The Little Princess suite.  I know it's
pink, but it is homey, unlike the last place.

How was your ๐Ÿด ride?  

It was good.  There were not solid English speakers,
so I was truly alone today! ๐Ÿ˜ข๐ŸŽ

Total immersion, I guess....

Yes.  In any immersion experience,
there are moments of difficulty.

One cannot go to a foreign land alone and expect
every day to be perfect ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ˜Ž





























It's beautiful ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—

So. Much. Pink๐Ÿ˜Ž

I've been feeling hot flashes tonight๐Ÿค”

Hot flashes.... you are thinking about me ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ’•

That is it๐Ÿ”ฅ☄


๐Ÿ’๐Ÿšจ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ’—




I made good with Her Smugness after the air
conditioner temporarily broke in my room.
She seemed to show some contrition after that.

๐Ÿ˜‘

So we talked, and all was good.  But
Her Smugness is not a nice person.

She probably thinks all gringos 
owe her somethingthing.  ๐Ÿ™…
Whateves ๐Ÿ‘

You are probably right about Her Smugness.  
Haters gonna hate.  Gringo haters gonna 
hate on gringos.

I have had so much fun reading your
responses to my story texts ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ’œ

๐Ÿ˜Š it's like you were right beside me. ๐Ÿ’—

Thanks for texting and letting me know
you are safe ๐Ÿ˜˜


El Pollo Must Die!

I don't have time for a story burst because it's
too hot in here, but El Pollo must go!

๐Ÿ”?

El Pollo is the name of the place I stayed 
last night.

๐Ÿค”

Complete with running...wait for it...

Cockroaches

๐Ÿ™…๐Ÿ™…๐Ÿ˜ณ

And a bed I was frightened to sleep on ๐Ÿ›

๐Ÿšซ

Are you getting a good picture?

Crystal

Better yet, the bill was $28.50.

And El Pollo looked at me with his 
El Pollo eyes.

I guess you get what you pay
for, in this case ๐Ÿ™…๐Ÿ”

And said "I don't have change!"

So, El Pollo being El Pollo asked 
me to take the hit.

El Pollo must die ๐Ÿ™‚

The going rate is $20 in Cuba

But El Pollo included a "lobster"
dinner ๐Ÿคฎ

It was actually the best part of the night!


๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ”.  So you gave ๐Ÿ“ 25.00...


Lobster! At the el pollo loco casa!  ๐Ÿ˜œ

Omgosh ๐Ÿ™

$30 and got a dollar change.

El Pollo acted like he didn't 
know what change was.

No speaka English

Fucking El Pollo ๐Ÿฅ

๐Ÿ˜œ
Fucking ๐Ÿ” and smug AF lady!

It was too hot to sleep.  El Pollo's 
room AC was "on the blink."

I think the cockroaches were comfortable!

Her Smugness?

๐Ÿ‘†

But I finally got one over on the 
Cubanos ๐Ÿฆ‰

Howso, babe?

I walked cooly off the bus having 
paid nada.  Yes!  Take that, Cuba!

๐Ÿ‘




Sunday, April 8

The Chain


One day I had a dream.  A dream so real that I can't escape it. 


It is warm when the din of crashing waves begins to overtake me, my synapses no longer able to resist the tug of my internal off switch, a switch that has become less reliable as the years pass.  My last thought before the tide sweeps me under is one of abject loneliness, loneliness that delivers blow after blow as my body drowns in sleep.  
I awake to a rain shower, cold and dreary.  I am sitting in silence in a coffeehouse with a friend, watching out the windows as torrents of liquid pelt the saturated ground without mercy. We comment on how lovely a blue sky, or even a wink of the sun would be.

But the sky is an angry grey, threatening nothing but more cold rains.  And that is exactly what comes.  

Thoughts skitter fleetingly through my mind, barely skimming the surface, like water bugs in vernal pond.  I don't remember them.  They are as fleeting a hummingbird's time on a flower.  They are as fluid as the rain that roars down the road's edge like a nascent river.  
I flash to a different time, a different place, someplace in my future and past.  It's a bar of some kind, and beside me on a tall barstool sits a strikingly beautiful woman, the kind that only appear in dreams.  Her face is shrouded in the fog of my mind.  I cannot see it, but I know it is sublimely brilliant all the same.  We talk and smile and drink.  But mostly we talk.  And we wile the evening away with delicious conversation.  The discussion satiates us, and deep in my dreams we hatch a plan to meet again. 

And we do, for something like a week.  We become closer and closer in this foreign world so antithetical to my high desert home, nestled in the baked-dry mountains. The sparse flora of my world has learned to suffer from paralyzing droughts, the kind that would put down a mature redwood in less than a year.  

In my dreamland, rain is the rule, not the exception.  

My mind awakes in a start, sweat coursing rivulets down my chest, my breathing rapid and shallow.  "Damn," I think, "If that was a dream, why do I feel like a nightmare hides just beneath the veneer?"  

I feel the comforter wrapped around me and it's soaked like my body, but right now I'm just trying to get my heart under control.  I have a moment of fear, thinking my chest may be calling the final timeout of the game.  And just as I'm about to pull the comforter down and awake, my mind and pulse calm.

And as they do, I try to recollect my fantastical dream.  But all I can pull forth is a wraith of a picture that floats tantalizingly in my mind's eye.  I dreamed of a woman.  I know that.  Her name?  I think maybe Katy.  Maybe Kris.  Something like that.  It doesn't matter.  I just want to sleep.  I can live without Katy/Kris in the next round.  If she wakes me like that, I'd prefer to sleep the sleep of the dreamless.

I settle my thoughts further.  The comforter still wrapped about me, too hot, but me too tired to change my accommodations.

I have nightmares when I try to sleep in heat, like at my parents' house, in Nebraska, where the thermostat rarely goes south of 75.  In the winter, that's not a problem.  I just open a window and awake in my little room in the morning almost able to see my breath.  In the summer, there is no respite - only more sleepless nights.  Unless I stay with my brother, Doug, or my sister, Gwen.  I have gotten to doing that more often as my parents grow older, the thermostat seemingly rising with their age.  

Before I go under the waves a second timw, I hear a haunting melody.  And it goes like this:
"Listen to the wind blow, watch the sun rise
Running in the shadows, damn your love, damn your lies"

I can't find time to remember the artist or the song.  The tide is ebbing again.  I'm being pulled under.

When I was in my twenties, I went through a period of lucid dreams, also known as sleep paralysis.  The best way I can describe it is that I fell asleep while my mind stayed fully awake.  An ocean of sound began in my outermost limbs and roared inward with a hurricane of sound, paralyzing my body as it coursed up my legs and arms towards center mast.  I felt my joints lock; I felt the thunder of sound move to my core. If it sounds horrible, it wasn't.  In fact, it was the most peaceful feeling I have ever experienced in all of my sleeps in all of my years.  I stood outside my body and experienced all these feelings with a mixture of overwhelming calm and overpowering fright.  The calm was borne from the feeling of watching myself sleep peacefully while still having control over my thoughts.  But there was a haunting whisper in my ear: "You are dead now; enjoy your forever slumber!"  No matter the perfect tranquility, the fear that I was dead made me fight to the surface of wakefulness, only to be stunned that I had fought through the rip current from my peaceful lacuna to the quiet dark of an Ohio night.

That was thirty years ago, though.

Fast forward to now. 

I fall into a fitful slumber, mayhap a reawakening of the lucid dreams of my young adulthood. The ineluctable dream continues with the force of a tsunami.  The best place to be is deep in the sea of dreams, away from the waves.   So I dive deeper.

And in a moment's time that could be months, I have returned to the otherworld, where rains are as common as sun in the desert, where browns become verdant greens, where trees tower and water roars.  

And there she is again - the beautiful woman.  We have become a couple in the faraway land in the faraway place in the waves of my mind.  We share each night together in a perfect union.  And in the dream, we even visit the ocean, but it is not the Southern California ocean that I am acquainted with.  Rather it is like a scene of the Northwest or the Northeast or somewhere distant that I know not.  The air is brisk.  The wind is restless and whispers a sonorous note.  Rocky islands dot the coastline as far as the eye can see.  The trees behind don't rise like giants, but they are not the palms of which I am familiar.  

The striking woman and I share this moment of bliss, sitting near the ocean's turbulent waters feeling only placidity and happiness.  In her embrace, and she in mine, we are both where we should be.  It is a perfect marriage of natural and human forces, both holding in them inexplicable power.  

I know that I have been with her longer than this ocean tryst, but this is where my dream wants me to be, and I am a hostage to its whims.  

I have another memory before I awake, this one equally lovely.  We are driving through thick forests singing songs that come on the radio.  Neither of us will be confused with a future front for a band, but we do a pretty decent job.  Then come the haunting lyrics: 
And if, you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain (Never break the chain
And if you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)
We belt out the lyrics in cheerful spirits and harmony, though the message of the song is about neither.  

But in that moment, I am as happy as a man can be.  I am in love, the kind of love I desire to have.  

And in the instant of unbounded joyousness, I awake a second time.  It's a reprise of my first.  I am sweat-soaked and lost.  Why is this happening to me?  But there is no answer; there is only me alone.  I lie in the dark, tired of dreams of a beautiful woman who is no more mine than the sea or the sky.  They, like her, are only meant for me to be gazed upon, their beauty admired.  

As I ponder, my fatigue overwhelms my curiosity and I begin my descent anew.  The waves are again pulling me under.  

And I fall to sleep for a third time.

My mind's eye has placed me in Las Vegas, where again I await the striking woman.  I am at the airport - and yet I have never been to the airport in Las Vegas.  But I don't have time to consider this because there she is again, so beautiful.  Her eyes are like the ocean, a grey-blue that you can't help but fall into.  

I fall.

I muse as to how she made it here.  There is the airport, of course, but I can't piece it together any more than I can a 1000-piece puzzle of blue sky.   I haven't the patience for these types of things, plus I know that our time is precious, so consideration of the esoteric is the last thing with which I want to occupy myself.  It is good enough that we are one again. 


We do not stay in Vegas; rather we tour my world. 

And I think that time is speeding up.  

We head north first and go to a place that is equal parts of our separate galaxies.  The trees are huge as in hers; the ground is dry as in mine.  But the feelings we share do not change. 

In the blink of an eye, she is at my house.  I whisper "Kim" to her, convinced that I have finally gotten that part right.  No matter, it is the time together in my part of the universe that is important.  I can reassemble the details later.  Right now, I feel the clock is accelerating at an accelerating rate.   I have to treasure these moments.  The time is like a microcosm of a person's life: it increases in speed with the each year passed until soon it is a runaway train - something that can't be stopped by natural forces.  

Before I can even begin to soak up the moment, it is ending.  I am taking her to the airport where she will bid me goodbye.  

Along the way, somewhere past Kingman, AZ, in the barren ruin with a strip of pavement leading to Las Vegas bisecting it, we again take to singing the song that has now become our anthem:
And if, you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)

And if you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)

From this point, the future is indeterminate.  We must forge our paths so that somehow they become one.  

There is a sweet goodbye at the airport replete with tears.

Then the dream ends.

I wake up.  But only for a moment

Then I am fade for a final time.

And the nightmare begins.

This one is different.  I drive to the faraway land, which I realize is Southern Oregon, just north of Ashland.  The twenty hours on the road leave me confused and vulnerable.  I am beyond completely gassed.  The only thing I have left in my tank is fumes, and those can't take me to the next fuel station.

Perhaps this is the fuse that ignites a series of events that end the dream and transmogrify it into an ugly ending that I could not have guessed, not in all those miles and hours of driving when one goes through thousands of possibilities: great, good, unsatisfying and bad.

The moment I am greeted I feel a sea change difference.  Sure, I am beyond exhausted, but Kim proffers me a luke-warm welcome.  This in contrast to everything we ever were - the love, the fun, the outrageous joy of each moment.

We spend Christmas together, but the mirth and warmth took a detour somewhere on that long drive.  We argue - a first.  Then again and again.

And again.

One final argument leads to the decision to leave in the late of the night and try to make Arizona..

I awake again.  Sweat soaked, I pull the comforter down from my face.  Arc sodium lights greet my eyes with their hideous yellow light.  They outline an island of grey pavement with a building in the center, resembling a lighthouse to the man on a lifeboat.  After waking up from so many dreams, I realize that this is far too real to even resemble a dream.  It is my new reality.

I'm parked at the Elkhorn Southbound Rest Area, just outside of Sacramento.  The engine is idling, the heater pouring out hot air, enough that the car is a sauna.

And I remember the argument that ended our shared dream and led to this little nightmare some five to seven hours out of Oregon.  That's how far I had driven before I realized that I had become a danger on the road, and thus pulled over.

I step out of the car, throw on a hat, loosen my joints and stagger to the rest stop bathroom.  My mind is flooding with thoughts, reminding me of that first day I had "met" Kim at Noble Coffee Roasting.  Our first meeting was via Tinder, but it lent a touch of wonder to a day that was otherwise less than.

I start the car and head south.

I'm going home...alone.



Afterword

I wrote this about a wonderful women I met in Ashland, Oregon, and whom I dated for six months.   I frequently wonder how something so good could fall apart so fast.  But that drive to Medford seems now like the beginning of the end.  The drive back was simply the final chapter.

Love is a capricious being.  It gives so much, but it also bites.  And sometimes it savages.

I wonder frequently about Kim, and how it all went so bad so fast.  The pain is gone, but the questions do haunt my nights.  Was it me?  Had she found someone else?  These things I will never know, but that is not so great a loss to endure.

I think back on my time with Kimmie and smile for all of the times she made my heart feel so complete, so happy.

It is good; it is enough ~Black Elk of the Lakota Nation


I think that every good love has at least one song attached to it.  For Kimmie and me it was "The Chain," by Fleetwood Mac.

It's ends with these lyrics .

๐ŸŽผ Listen to the wind blow, down comes the night
Running in the shadows, damn your love, damn your lies
Break the silence, damn the dark, damn the light
And if you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)
And if you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)











Saturday, July 15

The Southwest Is Burning


It started off as an average June, although the word "average" has little meaning in 2017.

The temperature on the first of the month was a less-than-remarkable 82 degrees.  Some would dare call it a cool day.  I was in Nebraska, visiting my family, so I was little aware of the goings-on in Prescott, although I do keep a keen eye on the weather.

As it turned out, this was an anomoly; a break from what we knew not was coming.  We should have known, though.

I arrived home on the sixth and the thermometer had already begun its ascendency into uncharted territory.  It was the fourth consecutive day of five that would register above the 90-degree mark.  I left for Oregon on the the seventh, and the temperature notched in at an unremarkable 90.   Warm, yes, but nothing that wasn't normal.  Again, I will repeat that words such as "normal" and "typical" have no real meaning in the new world order.  They have been made quaint by strings of wholly remarkable heat; heatwaves that make even the hardiest desert cacti shrivel on their way to a slow death, marked by days of withering heat that parches the hardscrabble clay and sand until it can no longer sustain life.  It is death by a whimper, not a bang.

On the fourteenth, it hits 90 in Prescott.  Mark that on your calendars - it would be the last day of the month that the temperature is that cool.  Soon, Prescott will long for a 90-degree high.

Then, the temperature skyrockets:  June 15 it's 94, and the following two weeks see Central Arizona transform from green to dreadful shades of brown.  On the 16th, it's 96.  Then 97.  Then the records begin to topple.  97, 102, 102, 102, 103, 103, 100, 101, 101, 99, 97, 93, 91, 92...and on the final day of the month, it's 95.

Six all-time heat records are broken in a thirty-day month.  This means that 20% of the month witnessed record highs.  Put another way, there were four days of extreme warmth followed by another record-breaking high from the begin to end of June.  Sadly, when researching this writing, I found that most of the records have been recorded after the begin of the new millennium.  Eighteen years of data holds more records than the 100-plus years that preceded it.  Worse, a good number of records - some broken this June - were set last June.  The average high for the month is a new standard, a standard that will likely be broken in a few years.

This is the new world order.  Mark Spitz famously stated, "...records are meant to be broken."  I don't think this is what he had in mind.

The Goodwin Fire ignites fourteen miles south and east of Prescott on the 24th.  It consumes the chaparral/pinyon forest like the dry tinder it has become over the exceedingly dry spring.  It eats the land with a voracious appetite for destruction.  An ominous pall of smoke ascends into the air each day, descending onto the earth's floor overnight.  Morning in Prescott is a smoke-choked affair.  One could look on Prescott from a distant vantage point and think that a fog was enveloping the city.  Fogs do not, however, withstand temperatures that are in the eighties by mid-morning.

On July 1, I slide into my red 2005 Honda Civic, rev the tired engine and head for Las Vegas.  I made a last-minute decision to play in the World Series of Poker and wile the miles away sans AC, which is on the blink.  It's 95 in Prescott, so Vegas is a pleasant 110.

Everywhere there is smoke.  It's as ubiquitous as the heat, and it's equally destructive.  I see fires on Interstate 40, then on Road 93 to Vegas.  In places, the fire is actually visible.  When it's not, the scourge of smoke follows me like a poltergeist on the haunt.  The heat is insatiable, but the fire somehow affects me to a greater degree.  I roll up the windows at times, despite not having air conditioning, to keep the floating ash from entering my car.

The Southwest is burning!

I want to cry for the earth, but what good will come of it?

I get to Jennifer's house.  We talk about our lives, eat Thai and have a great time.  She is a cool customer: my niece,  a former professional bodybuilder, Lingerie Football league player and overall fun person. I remember the girlie girl of her youth and think, "What happened to that?"  It disappeared with the years.

I don't win at poker.  But I do text Jen and end up hitting the town until late into the night.

The next morning (and I use that term lightly, Jennifer having awoken at nearly noon), Jen and I visit the Pinball Hall of Fame, which is becoming a ritual when I visit.  Then I hatch a plan.  It's about 2pm.

Text message to my cousin, Suzanne, in Placentia, CA:  I'm thinking of stopping by today as it may be my last best chance to see you, Byron and the girls this summer.  I have been visiting my niece in Las Vegas the last two days and it would be a 4.5 hour drive.  Here's the rub: the AC in my car went out, so it would be a warm drive, but I hold to the saying that a summer without seeing you guys is a summer ill-spent.  

Response text from Suzanne: Our only plans today are to go see denis.  Come on down!

Jen and I bid farewell and I am once again on the road, this time to Placentia, CA.

Not being much of a drinker (one or two a month), last night's antics with Jen and her friends has me tired and feeling melancholy, not ready for what I am about to witness.

It's close to 110, but heat doesn't really bother me.  The traffic jams leading out of Las Vegas, heading for California, do.  We move like a sluggish organism, in uncoordinated fits and starts, at less than 10miles/hr for about two hours.  The reason is obvious when I look in the distance. A plume over the horizon appears like a mushroom cloud. The miasma of smoke and automobile exhaust push me to the point that I want to cry.  But I push on, pushing back my emotions.    I have seen so much of this I want to be inured of feelings, but the devastation is too much.  It breaks my heart to see the world afire.

And it goes on.


The chill air that prickles against my skin as I approach Placentia is like salve to a wound.  I smile as I drive through the air touched by the Pacific.  The temperature is 67, a full 40 degrees less than what I was enveloped in only a few hours ago.  I usually don't like these cool evenings, but on this day I love the brisk note.

  And then I am at my cousin's.  Nearly three hours past my original ETA, but I have finally arrived.

Suzanne is her normal, awesome self; Byron is genius; and Bree is as feisty as ever.  They are a perfect family on a perfect evening.  For the remainder of the evening and all through the next day, my cousins do what they always do: lift my spirits to lofty heights.  I love that family!  We visit Suzanne's father, Denis, at an assisted living facility the next morning.  He is as always - erudite and amiable - a wonderful man.  We also visit Suzanne's brother, Brian, that evening.  We all feast like kings and talk about the past, present and future.  I think to myself: "I love this family; and that's what life is about - family."

Then, we retire for the night.  I have a long drive home the following morning.

Saying goodbye is difficult but made easier knowing that I have spent time with a family whom I respect as much as any I know, to say nothing of the fun we have.

The 360 mile trip home is hot, but my soul is bouyed by the thoughts of having strengthened connections with my extended family.  They are a godsend - all of them.  The kicker is that, although hot, I see only a few suggestions of fire, and at a good distance.

I am home.  I left, but the heat has taken hold like a tic, and has no intention of doing the same.

The first ten days of August are a rerun of June.  The mercury never drops below 90 for those ten days of the month, making the streak of 90 and above a frightening 27 days.  Another record is toppled on the seventh of the month, the third straight day of 100-plus in my little town.

Then, then the monsoon rains arrive - late, yes, but incredibly welcome.

This is happening all over the world, sadly.


Meanwhile, there is a man in the Whitehouse, a man who could call black white, and 35% of Americans would agree unequivocally.  A man who checked his soul at the door to extravagant wealth years ago.   A man who belittles the free press, our allies, war heroes, and common decency with his indecent tweets.  He also belittles science, not because he disagrees with it (for deep in his heart, he knows it's true), but rather because it is incongruent with his political agenda.   He wants to enrich himself - damn the planet, damn its people.

That man sits in air conditioned rooms indulging in lies, disdaining the fact of global warming like a child who states that he didn't steal the lollipop that sits firmly in his mouth.

Yet still, the Southwest is burning.













Friday, December 23

The Murmurs of the Earth


I fell into a deep, undisturbed sleep at five last night - spent from a week of teaching - and awoke at eight this morning; a long sleep to be sure, but these come too infrequently to forgo.   And I am not a morning person.  Waking up and getting up are two separate and unique experiences.  Plus, the comfort of warmth, buried beneath a pile of blankets in winter is nearly always greater than my desire to experience a new day.  That held true today.  So I lay and contemplated the world: its sublime beauty, my place in it, what tomorrow holds for both of us.  It was the kind of morning, with azure late-dawn skies and a brilliant light penetrating the darkest reaches of my house that begged to be considered, to be embraced.

The skies had cried for the balance of the last two days and fundamentally transformed the view from my perch in the loft to which I retire each night.  The dark, dull green Ponderosa Pines had transformed to vibrant, shimmering towers of life.   Needles sparkled with radiance as the sun reflected off the droplets that hung heavy of their own weight.  The trunks had transformed from a light brown, the color of coffee heavy with cream, to a hue more akin to straight black joe.  And even through the walls and windows, birds could be heard singing songs of merriment and plenty.   It was a morning that begged that I pull away the comfort of my covers and immerse myself in wonder.

I arose slowly, the cobwebs still thick.  Gingerly, I walked to the closet to pull up my long johns and pull over my warmest hoody so I could be at one with the morning quietude.  My heart rate bumped up a few notches with the thought of walking outside merely to enjoy the morning instead of my normal routine of trudging to my car on the way to work, no time to enjoy the morning that begs my presence and appreciation.  Today, my first day of Christmas break, I found myself blessed to walk into the morning with no rush, no agenda, only a yearning to explore the murmurs of the Earth.  I slipped on my right, then left shoe and opened the door to a different world.

My senses were assaulted with the magnificence of an Arizona mountain morning: scents so sweet, so fresh, so lovely; a wondrous cacophany of bird songs and the water's babbling; the cool, almost cold air caressing my skin; the perfection of tall, satisfied pine trees so alive, seemingly so happy to be alive.

And the forest's animal denizens all working busily to take best advantage of this brief moment in time.  Abert's squirrels running frantically along the earth's floor and through the trees - trees with tendrils of of steam rising into the air,  the results of sublimation temporarily making them appear to be ghosts from a dream.  Birds of every feather singing a dissonant, lovely chorale.  As I soak this in, to my right the sounds of twigs cracking causes me to turn my attention.  Through a thicket of scrub oak emerges a mule deer, impressive antlers betraying that he has seen many days not unlike this one.  He walks slowly, tentatively, measuring each step with the sounds that it makes, conscious to be as be as much like a wraith as his size will afford.  His coat is a brown-grey which would normally camouflage him well, but today the earth is awash in bright greens and dark browns which are not helping his natural disguise.  He is so busy being quiet that he fails to notice that I am a mere twenty feet away.

On this day, my breakfast is the sublime beauty of the morning.  I eat it up and feel sated, my thirst for peace slaked.

It is too infrequent that I am able to enjoy the murmurs of the earth, but today we merge to become one.  And it is wondrous.  And I thank God that I am alive.

Merry Christmas to all.

12/23/2016

Saturday, July 18

Eight and None More


Anne,

This is a nice story of how my family, or at least some of us, were begat.  

My father and mother are devout Catholics, or, in my father's case, devout enough to convert religions (I think he is a reformed Protestant) so that he could marry the woman he has now shared a home and heart with for sixty-five years. You could say it was a match made in Heaven - because there was divine intervention.

Mom and dad never really decided how many children they wanted.  I don't believe they ever set down at the old kitchen table, with its two double leaflets and prodigious length, and said, "Let's stop when we get to eight." It just happened that way.  But not without the aforementioned assistance.  

The Pope to be exact.  Yes, El Papa saved my parents from nine (or maybe double digits of kids) and a bundle more of dirty diapers and late nights.  Eight really is enough.

After I made my appearance out of the womb, kicking and screaming probably to get back in, mom had had it with little pooping Dermers.  It was time for a new beginning, one that did not include any more brothers or sisters for me.  She just didn't have a proper plan.  

And sometimes accidents will happen, being as we are all human.  And that accident came in 1966.  Her name was Karen - Karen my little sister.

"Enough talk, enough Dermers!  We need solutions!  And fast, before another accident happens and yet another Dermer is begat."  I can hear my parents saying urgently to each other.

Hence was hatched plan, “Plead-Mercy-to-the-Pope.”  Mom and dad worked diligently on crafting the words that would be written on lined paper and promptly sent to Vatican City.  The wording had to be just-so, words that would melt a Pope's heart.  Words that would make him do what normally doctrine would have him refuse.  

The letter was sent with loving care.  I imagine mom and dad walking to the mailbox together, fingers crossed, carefully sliding the envelope in and raising the worn red flag.  Now, all they had to do was wait for a reply - and perhaps say a few "Hail Marys" and "Our Fathers."  A few more than their normal allotment, which was already substantial.  

One week.  Two weeks.  A month.  Two months.  Three months.  It was a case of good news, bad news:  there were no more buns yet in the oven, but the Pope was taking his sweet, divine time.  

And so it continued.  No kids, no reply.  

After months of waiting, mom and dad gave up on the expectation of receiving a reply.  Dad made the appointment and went to the hospital soon after.  The surgery went smoothly, with no complications, and my father came home a new man.   

Life returned to normal at the Dermer household.  The kids were growing up, some teenage monsters, some playing Barbies and GI Joes, another - me - having a real problem with wetting the bed.  Hey, why get up when mom will clean up?  That was my kid mantra.  

But no more Dermers were begat.  What had happened; what had been in that letter?

In that fifth, maybe sixth month of waiting, an executive decision was made by Parents Dermer.  The Pope had not replied and most likely would not, and Deloras and Charles felt that they had done their due diligence in following scripture, including "be fruitful and multiply."  

My parents sat down in the fall of 1966 and penned an entreaty to Pope Paul VI.  The words delicately and lovingly scrawled.  In it, my father asked if he might use the power of the scalpel to finish his days of increasing the earth's population.  Pope Paul VI never replied, which my parents took as tacit approval.

Charles, my lovely father, had his vasectomy with a great weight lifted from his heart.

And that is why we are eight and none more.  

Wednesday, July 15

Bike Ride Across Nebraska (BRAN) - Day 1


A letter to a friend on Monday, July 13, a full thirteen months after the events documented:

Anne,

Monday, today, is my final sweet summer day before school begins. It ramps up nicely, with me teaching summer school to wonderful little fifth graders for the next three weeks, then moves to full throttle. Summer school is fun; the kids really want to learn, and we have a lot of laughs. 

I looked on a NE map and I was mistaken when I said that we rode through Thedford. We, instead, took the northernmost route, starting at Rushville. Between Rushville and Cody was the first leg of our journey and a day that will live in infamy:).

Saturday, June 8, 2014

It actually started the night before and continued the next day, all day.


The bus dropped the group of about thirty riders at the Rushville stop as the sun was moving toward the western horizon.  There was two or three hours of light left in the sky, enough to get acquainted with Rushville, population 856.  Ah, to be in Nebraska.  To be home.

Towns like Rushville dot the plains of Nebraska.  They're hardy places with hardy, salt-of-the-earth folks who make a living by farming, ranching or servicing these two groups.  With industrial farming, bergs such as Rushville are becoming smaller, less useful.  All over the Great Plains, the Rushvilles of the world fight to stay alive as their youth go to college never to return.  What used to take ten men is now done by one perched atop an outlandishly large piece of farm equipment that, aside from its color, looks as out of place as an ice cube in Hades.  Or by a rancher who has forsaken his steed, and rounds the cattle up astride a quad.  Like the rest of the world, Nebraska is changing at the speed of technology.  Its onslaught cannot be quieted by nostalgia; it grinds up memories as well as it plows the earth.

I bike the streets, seeing the empty stores and homes and feel a pang of regret that I was born in an age so wondrous yet so unforgiving.  Nebraska is about small town life; that is its heritage, its lifeblood.  But the towns are evaporating like puddles on a sunny day.  I shudder to think what this stretch of earth might hold in another twenty years.

The locals have put those thoughts aside - this is their moment in the sun.  There are 500 hungry and thirsty bikers in town for one night.  There is money to be made, maybe enough to buy seed for next season's planting.  That's the hope, at least.  Locals from 5 to 90 years are out, peddling food, drinks, souvenirs and sundry.  It's a perfect evening if you are the type who enjoys getting to know new people and their rare, isolated culture.  The locals could not be more cordial, and their kindness is rewarded with handsome sums of money.  Everyone is happy.


I wake up in my tent at about two in the morning.  A soft rain is falling.  It makes a pitter-patter on the tent's nylon roofing.  I fall back to sleep not knowing this is a harbinger.

By five, the rain is coming down in sheets.  I sidle to the center of the tent as the water permeates the nylon, creating pools in the corners.  I only want to stay warm and dry; a 70-mile ride is only hours away.  The rains continue to pound the tent and the winds have picked up enough so that the little structure is swaying from side to side.

I awake disoriented and chilled, hearing movement about the campground.  The telltale sounds of zippers being pulled and bike chains being spun tells me that its past time to prepare for the day's ride.  In the center of my nylon world I hike up my biking shorts, slip into my warmest shirt, put on my helmet and then begin to take apart temporary headquarters.  I push the sleeping bag into its tiny nylon case.  It's soaked, which does not bode well for tonight's sleeping arrangements.  In the center of the tent, I am a flurry of activity, trying to get everything in its proper place and ready to be sent by truck to tonight's staging town.  But so many things hold the rains that are still pouring down.  Water cannot be avoided; it's like trying to avoid germs in a third grade room in January.

Finally, I step out, garbage bag over my head, and roll up the tent.  The campground - which is Rushville's football field - is nearly deserted.  Just an hour ago there were been hundreds of tents, but riders want to set off since waiting out the rains is futile.  The word is out that the skies are angry and last night was just a warning shot.

I put my suitcase of personal effects into the Ryder transport truck in two wild sprints.   The garbage bag is pulled up just enough so that my eyes can find the quickest path.  I also wear a Wal*Mart rain poncho, which cost less than a McDonald's breakfast, but today is ever more useful.

I get going late and already too cold to be anywhere near comfort.  I have eighty miles to my destination, and the thing that will not escape my thoughts is "How can I possibly do this?  How can I ride eighty miles fighting a dogged Mother Nature, both rain and bone-chilling temperatures my foil."

And so I pedal with grit and heart.

I'm riding with a small group just behind the peloton, when the first hailstorm transmogrified from pellet-sized into ice cubes raining from the sky. We dump our bikes on the shoulder and run into a ditch (which was running as hard as the sky was pouring, but at that point more water was the least of our concerns), huddled together and place our hands over our bike-helmeted heads. The venting on the helmets is just wide enough to allow the solid water missiles to make impact with our heads. The resulting collisions are excruciating.  I try bending my head lower, which then exposes my neck to the pummeling.  That pain bites more.  So I settle, like my fellow riders into a sitting fetal position, waiting for a letup.  Lightning cracks so close to us that I see the sun a few times. The ensuing roar is louder than the Black Sabbath concert I went to some twenty-five years ago, the concert that will go down as the single worst assault I have ever placed on my ears.  That advertisement for hearing aids, disguised as a rock concert, was so defeaning that I had to yell for "Nachos with extra jalepenos!" in faraway concessions that were not even in the arena area but rather in the linking hallways.  Jet engines had not a thing on Black Sabbath when it came to ear-splitting tympanic membrane destroying decibels.  

That happened twice. And at some point, Merriman, to be exact, about 20 miles from Cody, I pull into a restaurant, shivering like an excited Chihuahua, lips a frightening shade of blue, and call it a day. I take the SAG wagon the final twenty, with no shame.

The good people of Cody open up their small high school (complete with old-fashioned blackboards), their arms, to us, which is a godsend.  A warm sleep after riding in a driving rainstorm and temperatures that never went north of 55 degrees is more than generous.  It is salvation from easily half of us dropping out of the race due to hypothermia.

Being wise beyond my years for a moment, I lay claim to the Principal's office. I am very familiar with Principals' offices from my days as a student in Scottsbluff, Nebraska (spankings with a paddle were acceptable, even encouraged).  I even get to meet him, a nice guy (not like I remembered principals).  I'm not the only person who takes up residence there, but my one-night roommate and I have room aplenty.  Not everyone can claim that.  Most riders found nooks and crannies for sleeping in the Science Lab, the wood shop or the English classroom, where they are arranged not unlike sardines post-canning.


About twenty percent of the group dropped out on that first brutal day.

Thank you, people of Cody, I couldn't have made it without you. I would have numbered among the first-day casualties.

And that was my reintroduction to the Sandhills, which I had not seen since I was in my teens. We got along swimmingly after a rocky first date.