In Cuba, public Internet access is limited to one or a few locales per town (definitely one) or city (somewhere greater than one, but not enough), via the Etecsa Network, which is a new-age synonym for the communist national dial-up system. It might be in a fancy hotel, where you might need to pay the nice concierge, in his sweat-stained dress suit and shiny black shoes, a handsome Cuban peso or three to get in said hotel and on onto said Etecsa Network. It might be in town center in the little village you're staying at, a place where if you move two feet to the left or right, the signal disappears. At any rate, it is not an optimal situation when you are used to being fully connected to the world and your partner.
With Etecsa, you first need to wait in line to purchase a card that will give you time on the Web. And those lines can be like the cattle chutes that feed people into the New York subway system. Cuba is either hot or sweltering, so the queue is redolent of ode de body odor (not my preferred cologne). To their credit, the people are generally nice, although what deals are made in those Etecsa shops I cannot say, but it's a communist system, so some people get preferential treatment.
But we all sweat the same - copiously!
And on said walk, the Derms begins
to ask the locals if they have a room
available. Everyone in the area does.
I have already cased the town 😎💗
It takes me ten minutes to find
a nece place, $5 cheaper, and the
old lady is soooo nice!
So completely unlike my smug AF current
"landlord!"
The bonus - and you'll love this.
The whole room is shades of pink,
including the shades!
And the covers
And the pillowcases
Her Smugness does have a nice rooftop eating /reading
area. But not worth the price of admission.
Above: Site of reading a book as Her Smugness thought,
"What is the fucking gringo fucking doing?'
The daughter hates me, too!
But father I am nice to because his is not smug
or a b-rate ahole 🙂
He is stuck in the middle, unfortunately.
It's beautiful 💗💗
Arrival
Ok, I have made it through the gauntlet.
Wow. I'm so glad to hear from you.
I was worried💖
Crazy night😎
I arrived at about 11
Tried to find a good deal for taxi and room!
Best deal $45 for both!
I get in the taxi
And two other guys jump in the back,
Cubanos not tourists
😳
I did not know the airport was so far
from Havana
Therefore, I thought I might be
getting "taken for a nice ride!"
Right!
I can't download WhatsApp. The
download speed is too slow in
this town😮
I have it...
👌. Thank you for checking
in... you crazy Dermer...💖
I get to Havana, still alive,
and go to my room!
Sorry, no room available 😬
🙅
So he rings the door of the next 🏡
Then the next
Then the next
And finally on the fourth,
an older couple answer
Holy Hell.
I talk to them half the night in
my broken Spanish😏
And we become fast friends
You so cray cray.
At eight in the morn, I have a
horrible dream of knocking on
my bedroom door
But it is not a dream. Damn
you reality, I was sleeping💤
Cecilia tells me that I must get
up because I have only six days
in Cuba
Cecilia 💗
I do not have time to get to the bus in time.
So Cecilia begins to mainline me "coffee"
more viscous than motor oil.
It's actually espresso
It's actually espresso
Mind you, I have not eaten since four
yesterday and I have not had any 💧
Oh boy, babe...
✅✅
Water from the bottle in third-world
countries✅
✅✅
And I will not get my first taste of water
until an hour ago (noon)
The food. Same story😬💗💗
😬
Prior to all this, Cecilia walks me to the bus
station, across the street, so I can get to
Viañales😉. She seems to know everyone, and
gets in me in the front of the line using her
respected status ... or some kind of magic
gets in me in the front of the line using her
respected status ... or some kind of magic
The bus is again full, so I talk to the Danish couple
and ask if they want to take a taxi. Yes!
Look at you 😎💖💋
👍👊
So we make it to Viñales, location of last two pics
And that's where I am, babe💗
Some kind of adventure, babe💕
Third-world countries move at a snail's pace.
If you accept it, there's a nice little zen to
slowing down.
I wait at the Internet Cafe for 20 minutes
to buy a card that gives me an hour of Internet.
Then go to eat and text you
💋
But the place I am eating at is too far
from town center to get Internet😢
So I eat (two bowls of soup; I need the water)
and have a bottled water!
😎👌
I'm running out of time. Soon I will leave the
Square and be locked off the Internet 😢
Good night, babe 🌙
I Love You. Please be safe💕💋😎
The Racket/Her Smugness
Can I tell you a story?
I will take that as an unqualified yes!
Yes!!
So the racket - although not truly a racket - here is that the
bus/taxi driver gives you a ride to the town you choose.
But therein comes the hitch 😜
😬
Every taxi driver has a best friend in every town, and
as you get close to town the driver says,
I will you show you my friend's home; you will like
it! And it's cheap🤔
Sure.....
So, you have to look at the damn
house - it's part of the deal.
And the houses are nice, if a little expensive😎
Since the Danish couple took a room, I
decided...suuuurrrrrrrrrrrre?!
Not really sure at all!
Oh no.....
And the owner - well the wife half - has been
pushing for tomorrow night since we arrived.
🤔
Because she wants my 💰
Right....
I continue to say, "Uhm, I'm still considering."
Finally, Mom has had enough of this Yankee Ahole.
And.....
So mom says, "Lo siento mucho, but the room is
not available for tomorrow!"😎
🙅🙅
She thinks she has me in a pinch because
she knows that I have the horse🐎 thing
tomorrow and no place to place my luggage!😬
You smart though, Derms....
I sit on the roof for awhile, considering my options😎
😎👌
And Mom is fucking gloating!
Sure😏
Yet pensive. "Why is this guy so calm?" is
literally etched upon her face.
The Derms goes for a walk.
Cool as a 🥒 you are, Lover 💜
And on said walk, the Derms begins
to ask the locals if they have a room
available. Everyone in the area does.
I have already cased the town 😎💗
You're smooth 😎😎
And hot 💥 AF
It takes me ten minutes to find
a nece place, $5 cheaper, and the
old lady is soooo nice!
So completely unlike my smug AF current
"landlord!"
The bonus - and you'll love this.
😼←←←←← Smug
It's the Princess 👸Room!
The whole room is shades of pink,
including the shades!
Oh baby. 👸🌈
And the covers
And the pillowcases
Sounds...uhm, kinda gay
I was thinking the whole time she's showing
the room, "I can't wait to send pics to you!"
💜💜
Her Smugness does have a nice rooftop eating /reading
area. But not worth the price of admission.
Trying to pull one over on the gringo
Above: Site of reading a book as Her Smugness thought,
"What is the fucking gringo fucking doing?'
Sleep with one 👁 open, babe....😑
The daughter hates me, too!
Oh Christ
But father I am nice to because his is not smug
or a b-rate ahole 🙂
He is stuck in the middle, unfortunately.
I wouldn't trust.... he surely follows his smug
AF wife's lead...
You know.... happy wife....
Yes, I absolutely agree with the advice 👍
I'm at four percent. As you can see 🔥
👸🌈🙅
No Little Princess shit, babe 🦉
Ok, it's about time to say good night 💤🌙💜
Good night, babe💗
😘
I napped in The Little Princess suite. I know it's
pink, but it is homey, unlike the last place.
How was your 🐴 ride?
It was good. There were not solid English speakers,
so I was truly alone today! 😢🐎
Total immersion, I guess....
Yes. In any immersion experience,
there are moments of difficulty.
One cannot go to a foreign land alone and expect
every day to be perfect 💜😎
It's beautiful 💗💗
So. Much. Pink😎
I've been feeling hot flashes tonight🤔
Hot flashes.... you are thinking about me 😉💕
That is it🔥☄
I made good with Her Smugness after the air
conditioner temporarily broke in my room.
She seemed to show some contrition after that.
So we talked, and all was good. But
Her Smugness is not a nice person.
🐔?
🤔
🙅🙅😳
🚫
Crystal
I guess you get what you pay
for, in this case 🙅🐔
😎🐔. So you gave 🐓 25.00...
Lobster! At the el pollo loco casa! 😜
Omgosh 🙍
No speaka English
😜
Fucking 🐔 and smug AF lady!
💁🚨🔥💗
I made good with Her Smugness after the air
conditioner temporarily broke in my room.
She seemed to show some contrition after that.
😑
So we talked, and all was good. But
Her Smugness is not a nice person.
She probably thinks all gringos
owe her somethingthing. 🙅
Whateves 👍
You are probably right about Her Smugness.
Haters gonna hate. Gringo haters gonna
hate on gringos.
I have had so much fun reading your
responses to my story texts 😜💜
😊 it's like you were right beside me. 💗
Thanks for texting and letting me know
you are safe 😘
El Pollo Must Die!
I don't have time for a story burst because it's
too hot in here, but El Pollo must go!
🐔?
El Pollo is the name of the place I stayed
last night.
🤔
Complete with running...wait for it...
Cockroaches
🙅🙅😳
And a bed I was frightened to sleep on 🛏
🚫
Are you getting a good picture?
Crystal
Better yet, the bill was $28.50.
And El Pollo looked at me with his
El Pollo eyes.
I guess you get what you pay
for, in this case 🙅🐔
And said "I don't have change!"
So, El Pollo being El Pollo asked
me to take the hit.
El Pollo must die 🙂
The going rate is $20 in Cuba
But El Pollo included a "lobster"
dinner 🤮
It was actually the best part of the night!
😎🐔. So you gave 🐓 25.00...
Omgosh 🙍
$30 and got a dollar change.
El Pollo acted like he didn't
know what change was.
No speaka English
Fucking El Pollo 🐥
😜
Fucking 🐔 and smug AF lady!
It was too hot to sleep. El Pollo's
room AC was "on the blink."
I think the cockroaches were comfortable!
Her Smugness?
👆
But I finally got one over on the
Cubanos 🦉
Howso, babe?
I walked cooly off the bus having
paid nada. Yes! Take that, Cuba!
👏
